So… a few more observations regarding living with a long term mental health issue…
As many of you know, I spent five weeks receiving treatment at a facility in the spring. The place focused on encouraging healthy patterns of living, as well as functioning as a place of learning. It was designed to maximise sleeping, eating, exercise and rest. There were eight patients in total and we were encouraged to test our limits around being social, sharing fellowship, the better to learn when it is healthy to engage with others and when it is healthy to disconnect.
We were taught to view health on a spectrum rather than as a healthy/ill binary. The more things you do that slide the scale the right way, the better. Recognising when the scale is sliding the wrong way is important. This facility was an excellent place to learn and practice these skills, the problem being that it is a sheltered, protected environment, with many real world stress factors removed. So when you get out, the task is revealed as being much, much harder.
The other problem is that pretty much everything in life is a double edged sword to the depressed mind. Most things cut both ways, and learning how to use things so you only cut away from yourself is tough. And the technique varies from case to case.
Alcohol is an typical example. Most people know that there is a relationship between booze and mental health. In an ideal world anyone with mental health issues would abstain entirely. However drinking can give relief. A certain benign escape, in the right setting. The costs don’t have to outweigh the benefits. But they do tend to, as the depressed brain will desperately want to maintain the experience of pleasure and happiness that alchohol can bring, and which is otherwise entirely lacking in life. Having unconsciously self medicated with alcohol all my life, this is something I’m working hard on.
While this is an obvious example, it also extends to food, coffee, nicotine, and really any sort of stimulant or relaxant. Even training, which many consider to be exclusively positive, can be problematic. I’ve used training earlier in my life to sublimate depression. It boosts endorphins, dopamine, adrenalin. It takes time, effort and attention. It gives purpose. It can also become obsessive and dangerous. This may lead to injury, neglection of other important aspects of life, self doubt, narcisistic tendencies, guilt when not training, shame when injured.
Another example is social contact. I love being in a positive social setting. It can be an excellent medicene against depression. But the joy and affirmation that I can experience can often lead to chasing behaviours. These inevitably lead to taking poor decisions. For example, my energy levels are lowered by social interaction, and ignoring the need for rest and alone time, and instead chasing positive experience through social interaction will set me up for a very bad time.
Obviously, balance in all things is key. The depressed brain seeks it all the time, but is spectacularly poorly equipped to achieve it. The work I’m doing now is about exploring that balance in all aspects of my life. Trying to find out what healthy behaviour looks like for me, at this point in my life.